Is Ole Miss the best 3-2 team in the country?  The Rebels are a fieldgoal and a fumble away from a perfect 5-0 record and coming off their first victory against a top 5 team since 1977.

Ole Miss will be at home today against a South Carolina team looking for its first victory in conference play.  Of course, one of the plot lines in today’s contest involves Rebels defensive coordinator Tyrone Nix, who previously held that spot under Steve Spurrier before Houston Nutt lured him to Oxford with a $350,000 offer.

“I loved the way he energized his team. I loved the way he talked to his players as I watched across the field,” Nutt said. “As I got to know him a little bit better through coaches’ conventions and clinics, he was a guy you wanted to be around, a solid character guy.”

For his part, Nix knows any game against a Spurrier offense isn’t easy.

“I don’t remember winning many scrimmages when I was at South Carolina,” he said. “I know it’s going to be a challenge. It’s a challenge every week in this league.”

Oddsmakers expect it to be a challenge as well.  Ole Miss is a 2 1/2 point favorite today.  At least one South Carolina writer smells an upset brewing.

Vanderbilt University is relaxing its Code of Conduct for football fans this season.  According to university officials several rules have been modified to allow fans to show their school spirit more freely and to better enjoy the games.

Here they are:

1)  Cheering is now allowed.

2)  You may remove your Izod sweater from your shoulders and swing it around your head

The University of Kentucky

We love to link to rankings here are MrSEC!  L-O-V-E IT!

Since we’ve gone almost an entire day without someone ranking something, we thought we’d put together our Top 10 Rankings of our Rankings Rankings.

1. SEC Stadium Rankings

2. SEC Rankings by some newspaper guy (we’ve done 52, pick one)

3. SEC Latrine Rankings (aka. Best Place to Wrestle the Anaconda)

4. Top 10 Rankings of Our Rankings Rankings (yeah, THIS ranking is  actually #4)

5. SEC Rankings by ESPN

6. SEC Recruiting Rankings

7. Best Week 1 Games in the SEC Rankings (Scary part? I didn’t make this one up)

8. SEC Waterboy Power Rankings

9. SEC Rivalry Rankings

10. All-time SEC sports programs that begin with the letter “A” Rankings

In an attempt to keep up with Title IX requirements, The University of Florida has announced this, their newest women’s team.

“We take women’s sports very seriously,” said University of Florida President Bernie Machen. “We’re excited about the possibility of our team taking on other SEC schools… as soon as another school has one. Until then, our girls will be competing against the best of the best.”

Their first match-up is scheduled against Mrs. Ledbetter’s fifth-grade class at JFK Elementary School in Sarasota.

“Hi, I’m Jim.  Please don’t have sex with me.”

Vanderbilt football players will wear nine uniform variations this season with black, gold and white options for both jerseys and pants.

Here now is a sneak peek at their homecoming uniform.

Going along with the new look is their new fight song titled, “Ring Ring The Banjo (All Up On Your Ass).”

Fierce!

The Society for Alphabetization announced their annual SEC pre-season rankings, and Alabama just nudged out Arkansas again this year to top the list.

In fact, the Crimson Tide has topped the list since its inception 20 years ago.

Here now is the entire list:

1)  Alabama
2)  Arkansas
3)  Auburn
4)  Florida
5)  Georgia
6)  Kentucky
7)  LSU
8)  Mississippi State
9)  Ole Miss
10)  South Carolina
11)  Tennessee
12)  Vanderbilt

It was recently reported on this site that the average football ticket price in the SEC has jumped from $61.07 in 1998 to $110.05 in 2008.

So I got to thinking, what would I have to give up in order to pay for a single football ticket? I mean, I loves my football, but when you start equating a football ticket to some other items… well, it just puts into perspective how astronomically high the price is.

Here’s what $110 translates to:

* Oh, at least 10 six packs of some really great beer… 25 sixers if you buy skunk beer.

* Any various 110 crappy items from the Dollar Tree… with a nickel to spare.

* A whopping 440 tries at spinning quarters around one of those giant circular, “coin round-and-round thingies” at the mall.

* Bail money for one college athlete.

* A full tank of gas.

* Back-waxings for you and a buddy.

* A couple of those sweet Paul “Bear” Bryant hats.

* A total buttload of penny wishes. (I’m entirely too drunk to actually add that up right now.)

* Two personalized video greetings from chairless “Grizzly Adams” star Dan Haggerty… and his son… and a bird.

While one of our very own (Ace Reporter, Jimmy Hyams) recently won a slew of much-deserved awards from the Tennessee Sports Writers Association, I thought I’d take this opportunity to toot my own horn.

(Please note the Powers That Be at MrSEC would not use the submitted photo of me tooting my own horn.)

Nevertheless, I was the proud recipient of the Best Two-For-One-Sunday-Intro at the Strip Club DJ Awards in New York City.

A special thanks to Bambi, Heather, Porsche, and all the girls.

I’ve been running the numbers (carry the 4, add the 1). At the current rate of arrests for college football players, by the third week of the season, there won’t be enough players to field a team.

Here’s my solution: Me.

Sure, I run a 12.2 in the 40, and have a phobia of large crowds.

But there’s an upside, so hear me out.

Here’s what you will get:

Big Pimp Magazine is coming under scrutiny after announcing its winners of the All-Time Biggest Sports Pimps contest in Las Vegas last night.

Some critics believe that the contest was rigged when Alabama alum and Big Pimp editor-in-chief Eddy “Delicious” Ledbetter divulged that the winning criteria was based 10% on “overall pimp swagger”and 90% on “the best use of a Houndtooth hat.”

The top 5 as named by Big Pimp Magazine:

1)  Paul “Bear” Bryant

2)  Joe Namath (in fur coat)

3)  Don King

4)  Evel Knievel

5)  “Neon” Deion Sanders

That’s right, the University of Alabama refers to their marching band as “the Million Dollar Band.” 

From the looks of things, they spent $999, 976 on instruments and outfits, and about $24 on feather dusters to stick in the top of their hats.  Saaa-weet!

In the long, sad history of bad ideas for mascots, this has got to rank right up there.

Check out the University of Idaho’s mascot

USC approved a $65.1 million athletics budget last week and have sent it to the full board of trustees for their approval. The 400-page snoozefest of a budget is full of accounting jargon that led yours truly to study, decipher and translate the true meaning of several items.

* $4,5000 for athletic equipment repairs.

TRANSLATION: We’ll be fixin’ A LOT of Spurrier’s sun visors.

* $250,000 for state-of-the-art stadium sound system.

TRANSLATION: We need something to drown out the giggles of UT fans after USC cheerleaders yell, “Go Cocks!”

* $250 for instructional manuals.

TRANSLATION: Spurrier’s buying a bunch of books for players (A Dummies Guide to Really, REALLY Crazy-Arse Trick Plays That May Not Work…But Then Again, They Just Might.)

* $35,000 for media training for athletic coach staff.

TRANSLATION: For the love of….we’ve got to get Spurrier an acting coach before he does another one of those Under Armour commercials.

A buddy of mine over at match.com unearthed the profiles of two football greats

The concern over LSU Head Coach Trent Johnson’s erroneous biography regarding his high school coaching career led me to track down his  full resume.

From it, I’ve gleaned a few odd items and noted them below.  All I can say is that I’m, well, a little suspicious.

Trent Johnson’s Resume

Work Experience

Head Basketball Coach, LSU, 2008-current

VP in Charge of Planet Earth, 1998-2000

Shepherd, 1995-1998

Salesman, Office Depot, 1990-1995

Lead guitarist, Van Halen, 1980-1990

Starred as BJ in BJ & The Bear, 1979

Kung Fu Master, 1974-1979

Harlem Globetrotter, 1971-1974

Other skills: Invented light, can type 1,422 words a minute, and very dependable.

Coach Joe Paterno died today, but says that won’t keep him from coaching this season.

The feisty coach said he draws his inspiration from late FSU coach Bobby Bowden, who has been coaching since his death four years ago.

“I know that Coach Bowden has done a great job,” said Paterno.  “He’s really my inspiration.”

Barring any setbacks, like spontaneous combustion or an accidental fall into a wood-chipper, Paterno expects he’s “got another half dozen years left” in him.

I can’t wait to see how Ken Stabler’s lawyer spins this reckless driving charge and third DUI charge for the legendary QB and University of Alabama radio analyst.

But I say, load up the spin machine with some old-fashioned, honest-to-goodness BS, and pray that it sticks like a fat chick on a hot, pleather sofa.

(Cue the mystical music and smoke machine.)

Look into my crystal balls.  I can see his lawyer’s defenses right now.

MrSEC reported last week that three SEC football officials had been fired by the league.

In an exclusive interview with yours truly, one disgruntled official named Moe Howard broke his silence, saying he’s “baffled” by their dismissal and sounded off on the powers that be who fired him.

“Oh, they’re a bunch of wise guys alright,” said Mr. Howard, smacking his fellow ousted official, Larry Fine, upside the head for emphasis.

“If I could get my hands on those guys, why I’d…” Mr. Howard fell short of explaining what he’d do, instead poking the eyes of the third official who wished to only be known by his first name, “Curly.”

The interview ended abruptly when a bizarre fight broke out after Mr. Howard asked Curly to watch his hand as it fluttered up and down, and subsequently broke a lamp over his head.  

(More new stuff can be found on the Get Rich Quick page.)

* Saban earns Sportsman of the Year award

* Vandy trades training facility for high-powered microscope (Wait, this actually could happen.)

* Alabama exumes the body of Bear Bryant for luck in the Iron Bowl

* Les Miles proclaims LSU “National Champions” despite 3-loss season

* Tim Tebow sells Heisman Trophy to feed the homeless  (Wait, this could happen, too.)

* Bobby Petrino honors contract with Arkansas!

* Auburn fans have no concerns about Tony Franklin

* SEC lands 100% player graduation rate

* UT’s fight song “Rocky Top” replaced by “Love Will Keep Us Together” after Peyton Manning declares it to be his favorite song

* $60 million athletics investment pays off BIG for Vandy

* Alabama & Auburn fans say rivalry “Not A Big Deal”

* Spurrier vows not to throw sun visor and make that grimace face

* Houston Nutt says he was never teased as a kid

* UT defense doesn’t give up ANY short passes across the middle during games

* Abe Vigoda named new LSU head coach

You know that our Jimmy Hyams, The Ace Reporter, was in Destin all week filing numerous audio interviews and news wrap-ups for you… but our own Rich McVey (he of our “Get Rich Quick” page) was also on hand.

His report is as follows:

MrSEC.com sent me to sunny Destin, Florida for the SEC meetings.  My mission was to compile some statistics from the meeting.  So here they are.  And let me say, I was startled by them.

100% of the time when I drink three Long Island Ice Teas at a beachside karaoke bar, I will sing Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”… the German Version, “Ich Bin Zu Sexy”.

100% of the time when you challenge Phillip Fulmer to a $100 rib-eating contest at Destin’s “Fat Bob’s Rib Shack,” he will win… nay, destroy you.

100% of the time, using the line “I’m a writer for MrSEC.com” does not work with chicks.

100% of the time, when you turn in an expense report to MrSEC.com with a $100 receipt from Destin’s Rib Shack labeled “$100 Rib-Eatin’ and Ass Whoopin,” they will ask for more details.

90% of the time when choosing between drinking on the beach or attending the SEC gathering, I will drink on the beach.

50% of the time, I will snicker when asking Bobby Johnson if he thinks “This will be Vanderbilt’s year to win it all.”

50% of the time, I will laugh uncontrollably when asking Bobby Johnson if he thinks “This will be Vanderbilt’s year to win it all.”

Not being a Notre Dame fan, but certainly familiar with the legacy of Knute Rockne, I was curious when I ran across this video of the legendary coach.

Prepared for the pearls of wisdom, the life lessons of the great motivator, the football genius, I hit play and came to realize one thing:  WTF…This guy is full of crap!

Don’t believe me?  Check out the faces on the players about a minute into it.  Even they can’t believe it.

Vanderbilt recently released photos of the future, depicting how they will spend $60 million to upgrade their athletic facilities and build a sports hall of fame.

Here now, is an actual photo of the inside of the Vandy Hall of Fame, where apparently you’ll be required to wear a suit and tie and stand at least 10 feet from everyone else.

(As always, click the headline to see the photo at full size.)

The recipient of the SEC’s “Oh Crap” Moment of the Week goes to…

(drum roll)…

Mississippi State Athletic Director Larry Templeton.

The “moment” didn’t occur when he realized that his school finished dead last in the SEC All-Sports Trophy listings, but rather when he realized that the list included Vanderbilt.

Yeah, I know.  It’s been around a while.  But I just love this video. 

The University of Alabama men’s tennis team shattered it’s 30-year attendance record last week when this guy showed up for a match.

The long-standing record of zero was crushed when the unidentified tennis fan marched into the stands, put on a giant foam finger and yelled, “We’re No. 1.”

Alabama Tennis Coach Billy Pate recalls the moment like it was yesterday. “I called security right away,” he says. “But then I realized, ‘Hey, this guy’s here to watch us play. He’s here to cheer us on!’”

Most readers have already heard that the president of Florida State University, T.K. Wetherell, has said that he believes a playoff in college football is inevitable.

I recently spoke with Wetherell, who gave me a list of several other predictions that may call his playoff prediction into question.

Wetherell Predictions for the Future:

Penn State coach Joe Paterno spent several hours last Wednesday in a Pennsylvania hospital.

The 81-year-old coach was released and back home by Thursday evening, after doctors determined he was suffering from a case of mild dehydration.

“It’s just a feeling we had,” says Paterno’s doctor.

Paterno released this photo of himself (right) with his doctor, and said he’s doing so much better now that he doesn’t even need to wear his trademark glasses.

The University of Alabama softball team is 52-7 this season.

This is all the more amazing when you check out this team photo and realize that apparently… um… none of the players have arms!!!

(Click here for full-size photo.)

Coach Nick Saban has grown weary of videoconferencing with recruits during the May evaluation period.

From now on, Saban plans to test the murky NCAA rule that bars “coaches” from visiting recruits… by dropping in on players as “Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire.”

Dateline NBC will debut a new series this week as part of their on-going “To Catch a Predator” campaign

In the sting, Chris Hanson confronts Kentucky Coach Billy Gillispie when he shows up at the house of a 10-year-old basketball phenom in Denver.

Here now is an exclusive transcript from the show, as Gillispie enters the house.  Be warned.  It’s graphic stuff.

10-year-old:  Come on in, I’m just folding some laundry, I’ll be right down.

GILLISPIE WAITS.

ENTER CHRIS HANSON.

Hanson:  Coach, what are you doing here?

Gillispie:  Nothing. Just came by to see a friend I met online.

Hanson:  Really? You weren’t here to recruit anybody?

Gillispie:  No.  That’s crazy.  He’s only 10.

Hanson:  Oh my God!  Is that a giant “KENTUCKY IS NO. 1″ foam finger behind your back?

Gillispie:  I like to carry it with me.

Hanson:  What’s in the bag?

Gillispie:  Uh, just some UK t-shirts, posters and water bottles, a letter of intent, a scholarship, a squeaky toy, and… oh, and maybe a few collectible Wildcat refrigerator magnets.

Hanson:  Refrigerator magnets!  Come on!  You’re going to tell me you’re not here to recruit this youngster.  (LONG PAUSE AS HANSON PUTS ON THE FOAM FINGER AND POINTS TO GILLISPIE)  You gotta know how this looks.

Gillispie:  Maybe.

Hanson:  Well maybe this online chat transcript will jog your memory. You said to him: 

I can stomach horses being put down in the Kentucky Derby.

I can handle the horrors of greyhound racing.

I can even handle Albanian monkey-ball thumping contests in Tiujana.

But this!  This is just wrong.

The University of Florida is selling $24 fleece pullovers for little, frightened dogs.  God help us all!

In response to NCAA President Myles Brand’s recent announcement that college teams might be barred from NCAA tournaments if players don’t improve academic scores, NCAA student-athletes came together to pen a letter in response:

We is not concerned that we won’t meat our academic reponsibilities. We welcome this challenge from Mr. Brand, and expect to not only meat his requirements but to acceed his expectamacations at all levels.

Sinceerly,

NCAA Student Athleets

Looking over the upcoming season’s rosters of SEC football players and coaches, two things popped into my head.

The first - the SEC is going to kick some serious arse this year*.  And two - there are a lot of ready-to-go porn star names in the SEC.  (*sans Vanderbilt)

Here now, are my Top 10 SEC Football Porn Names:

10. Casey Dick
9. Kevin Steele
8. Bobby Johnson
7. Tommy Tuberville
6. Joe Cox
5. Orlando Gunn
4. Stephen Ball
3. Shaq Wilson
2. Foxy Foxworth

1. Houston Nutt

New York - From the national ballot of 75 candidates and a pool of hundreds of eligible nominees, Archie Manning, chairman of The National Football Foundation & College Football Hall of Fame, announced that Alabama great Forrest Gump will be inducted into the 2008 Hall.

Mr. Gump, accompanied by his son

Vanderbilt Commodores football fans realized that they

Why are those guys in the Under Armour commercials always so angry?

My theory is that the shirts are too tight.  Take a look at this commercial. They’re all pissed and grumpy, right?

Now compare that to Matthew Perry in this Hanes Commercial.  Perry is so relaxed he’s schooling Michael Jordan in pool.  Need I say more?

I don’t know where it takes place.  I don’t know what events there are.  But I do know that there’s a lot of this going on.

Please, help me petition the powers that be at MrSEC.com to send me to cover this.

Please!

DO NOT… I repeat… DO NOT write any smart-ass comments about the Kentucky women’s softball team.

(Click here to see a LARGE photo of these bat-totin’ broads.)

Peyton Manning will replace long-time University of Tennessee mascot Smokey during the 2008-2009 season, according to UT officials. The announcement took place after a 30-minute meeting by the Board of Trustees, in which Manning made a brief appearance where he walked on water, cured tuberculosis and donated $10 million to build a 40-foot statue in his own honor.

I’ve got a great idea. Let’s take off our shirts, shave our chests, and rub ourselves down with ridiculous amounts of baby oil.

Kevin and Andrew, you guys throw some big chains around your neck.

Brock, you look mad.

Scott, put on those black tights, and I’m going to get an arm curl bar and put it on my shoulders… we’ll call ourselves The Iron Bat Cats.

This is going to be best baseball picture ever!

(Click here for a LARGE photo of the Iron Bat Cats.)