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Tyler’s Take: Week 8 Picks – Trent Richardson Hollywood Starlet Edition

Cam Newton willed me to a 5-2 record (I’m not counting the USC loss) against the spread last weekend and going “All In” really is the way to go. But since I have three Saturday readers at the most I don’t think anyone will complain or call me a liar if I wrote I went 7-0. Damn, undefeated feels good.

After hyping Cam I must balance things out and invite Bama back to the party, so I’ll let a quote from Derek Dooley sum up my weekly paragraph about the greatest defense in college football history: “It’s as physically a dominating defense as I’ve seen in the modern era of football, and I know that is a strong statement.  But I believe it.  You catch yourself watching them, not studying them.” (Dooley said this shortly after playing LSU.)

But this is about #3, Trent Richardson. We all know he’s great. Meah. Even Skip Bayless, currently holding the job title “that dude really has a job on ESPN and people actually pay attention,” knows Richardson’s good. How good? After only a few carries his freshman year I believed was already better than Heisman winner Mark Ingram. If Ingram was Emmitt Smith 2.0, Richardson’s a mixture of Darren McFadden, Jamal Lewis and Garrison Hearst 2.0. Yes, he’s that good.

Ignoring the obvious, let’s look at Richardson’s Heisman run from a different angle. Orlando Pace made his Heisman run with a signature dish of “Pancake Blocks” leading the way, so I’m spearheading Richardson’s Heisman campaign based on his “Rugby Scrum” plays. (Could this be a statistic potentially living in the awful and nerdy world of sabermetrics? I have no idea because I gave up on baseball when PED’s were banned and I could no longer find a 15-5/8 hat.)

At least two times a game Richardson carries the ball and the play is whistled dead in the middle of the field without him actually being tackled.  A few seconds after Richardson’s crosses the line of scrimmage during one of his signature plays it reminds me of two things:

1)      A Hollywood “starlet” walking out of jail after a 72-hour bender. The media swarms around her from all directions like a pack of bees to where you can’t even see her. Yet somehow, even as an invisible epicenter, she moves the pile in her intended direction.

2)      Or… Richardson’s like the hottest stripper in the world walking into a room full of dudes at 4:55am at the tail end of an eager bachelor party. Everyone in the room immediately charges her, offering up their best shot, but she ignores it all and moves the entire pack where she wants to go. (And I guess instead of a ref blowing the whistle it’s a pimp…?)

A cross between the world’s hottest stripper and a Hollywood starlet? OK, I’m 100% Karl Malone-ing this one in.

LSU -23’ vs. Auburn – The Bayou Bengals are facing more adversity on Saturday than Les Miles being asked open-ended questions about how to solve the marijuana epidemic amongst today’s youth. Auburn has little chance of winning this game; however, I do believe they hang around until the fourth to possibly make it interesting. LSU wins 31-17 with no cover.

Bama -30 vs. UT – Wow, UT is a 30-point dog to a football team not playing in the NFL? To make it worse it’s the hated Crimson Tide. A bye week before the LSU game means the Tide won’t let off the gas with a week of rest forthcoming. To be honest, I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as letting off the gas with their style of play. Defense > short field for the offense > run > score. Bama wins and covers 42-10.

Vandy – 10’ vs. Army – I love Vandy because they’re starting to remind me of Stallone in Rocky IV. They don’t have all the fancy training stuff at their disposal like Drago or their SEC brethren. Outmanned and undersized in nearly every conference game, Vandy’s simply going to have to win with more heart and a few timely haymakers to conquer. Convincing wins against UCONN and Ole Miss bowed a few brows, but the close loss and ensuing “altercation” against UGA was basically Vandy staging a press conference for the rest of the SEC to hear, “I’m coming for you.”  Could Vandy have the best coach in the East? Can the ‘Dores be a contender to win the East in 2012? Did I really just type those last sentences? Vandy wins and covers 31-17.

Kentucky – 9’ vs. Jacksonville State – When Rich Brooks retired he left Joker Phillips a fine recipe and a sack of sweet-tasting lemons to make lemonade. Less than two years later the only thing Joker’s selling at his stand is brown sewer water. I would pick JSU but they are equally as rotten in the I-AA ranks. UK wins and covers 24-10 for their third and final victory of the season. Don’t fret long-suffering UK fans because Mike Leach will soon be walking through that door.

Arkansas -16’ @ Ole Miss – Only 19 and the hook? What gives? The Black Bear program is blacking out and Ryan Mallet, I mean Tyler Wilson, adds to the forgetful 2011 season. Consecutive Cotton Bowl wins feels like 20 years ago. Hogs win and cover 45-21.

A&M -20 @ Iowa State – The A&M offense is a blast to watch and did anyone see the Baylor game last weekend? A&M wins and covers 52-24. Mark it down… the Arkansas victory over the Aggies in week five is somehow going to factor into the BCS standings to help LSU or Bama.

Oklahoma State -7’ @ Mizzou – The Cowboys put up a ton of points and our newest member simply won’t be able to keep up. Pokes win and cover 42-28… Welcome to the SEC.

Feeling kind of frisky, celebrate your seven winners with a bottle of Herradura anejo.

Que te vaya bien.

Tyler B. works as a communications specialist for a Louisville, Kentucky company.  A lifetime SEC fan – long before it became “acceptable” to cheer for every team in the conference – he plans on writing several books about college football that have a fantastic chance of never being written. 

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