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There are a variety of reasons to get a bit crotchety over this weekend’s SEC Championship Game, a game which for the fifth year in a row will not include the Georgia Bulldogs. For one, Auburn is playing in the game, and around here we hate Auburn. For another, South Carolina is playing in the game as well. We don’t hate South Carolina, though we do hate to see them succeed because, egad, they were insufferable enough when they were awful for decades at a time. After a national championship in baseball and a divisional tittle in football, every door in Richland County will have to be widened by 2 feet just to allow for all the big-headed traffic.
But we’ll watch it and we’ll like it because its the last SEC football of the season, and like squirrels in September we must fatten ourselves up for the impending lean times. You know what else you can do on a frigid night when other teams in your conference are playing meaningful football and your team is not? Drink.
So, in lieu of a gameday cocktail, I thought I’d provide you with a way to wile away the evening with whatever cocktail you choose. Dawg Sports readers, I am pleased to present . . . The 2010 SEC Championship Game Drinking Game:
- Every time Vern Lundquist gets confused and thinks Steve Spurrier is coaching the Florida Gators in the Georgia Dome, drink.
- Every time a member of the broadcast crew refers to Cam Newton as “this young man” or uses the words “adversity”, “scrutiny” or “debit card linked to a secret numbered account”, finish your drink.
- If Tim Tebow is shown onscreen cry in your drink, then drink.
- If Bo Jackson appears onscreen in file footage from his playing days, drink, then scream at the television “Bo knows elective hip surgery!!!” Depending on how much adversity Cam Newton has faced by that point in the game, and whether Tebow can be patched in via satellite, this may become very, very difficult.
- If Bo appears onscreen live from the Auburn sideline point and shout “Hey it’s Charles Barkley!” and drink or don’t drink at your leisure. This would be even better if you’re in the Georgia Dome, because Bo’s a little touchy about that weight he’s gained. Maybe he should try MMA.
- Every time Stephen Garcia scrambles out of trouble then inexplicably makes things even worse with a fumble or interception, the first player to scream “Brah!!!!” and finish his drink becomes “The Tanneyhill.” The Tannyhill gets to direct one person per quarter to finish their drink at any time. Unless the Tanneyhill actually is Steve Tanneyhill. In which case, Bro, you totally need to send us some pictures of your SEC Championship Game party.
- If Pat Dye is mentioned by the broadcast crew, slip the person to your right whatever cash you have in your pocket under the table, then drink.
- If Pat Dye actually speaks on camera, take your pants off and finish your drink.
- Every time Steve Spurrier makes that constipated face of his (you know the one, don’t even pretend you have watched a scintilla of SEC football and don’t know the Spurrier constipation face . . .) drink.
- Every time Spurrier throws his visor, finish your drink. Then throw your visor or hat. If you’re not wearing one grab the headwear off the person nearest you and throw it. If your headwear theft fails, you must finish your neighbor’s drink.
- Every time Nick Fairley does something unsportsmanlike without getting penalized, drink half your drink.
- The first time Fairley is penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct, whether he had it coming or not, chug your drink. The last person to finish his drink is known as “The Trooper.”
- Subsequently, every time Trooper Taylor is shown waving his towel around like a jackass, take turns punching the Trooper in the face and screaming “act like an adult, jackass!”
- Every time Marcus Lattimore breaks a big run, drink. No joke here. I’m just trying to get you hammered and this seemed like the quickest way to do it.
- Every time Alshon Jeffery makes a catch, scream “pump that, Kiffy!!!” then drink.
Remember, drink responsibly, and don’t spear anybody two seconds after they release the ball. Or pimp your kid’s athletic services out for cash. Stay away from those and you should be fine*. I’ll be back tomorrow to talk about the mens’ sport we’re best at, basketball. All together:
Until then . . .
*It would also help if your short term financial interests align with Mike Slive’s. Every little bit helps, right?